Most pastors would say they're good with people. But being good with people and actually having friends are two different things. Wayne Francis put it bluntly on this week's episode: "Pastors are the most isolated people on the planet." Wayne is the pastor of Life Church in New York, chaplain of the Brooklyn Nets, and the author of the new book Make Friends with Anyone. And the part of our conversation I can't stop thinking about is how Jesus handled his relationships.
Wayne pointed out that Jesus had a clear order to his relationships. He calls it the 5 P's:
Think about that. The Son of God, perfect in love, still did not give everyone the same access. That is not a lack of love. That is wisdom.
Here is where it gets personal. Most pastors take one of two approaches. Either everybody gets the same guarded version of us, because the people we are around most work for us and we have a reputation to protect. Or we swing the other way and think the only fix for loneliness is going deep with everyone.
Wayne said the real problem is that pastors don't stratify. Everybody gets a one-size-fits-all approach, and it leaves us surrounded by people and still alone.
One of the first things you learn in marketing is that you never speak to every audience the same way. Friendship works the same. Not everyone needs the same message, and not everyone needs the same access. As Wayne says, "Don't give submarine access to a sunbather." Some people haven't earned the deep places yet, and that's okay. They might in time.
The fifth P might be the most freeing one. Jesus had a Judas, and chances are you have had a few too. Wayne shared something ARC church planter Mark Johnston told him that changed his life: "Stop giving people a story that only deserves a sentence."
Paul modeled this. Demas forsook him, and Demas got one sentence. Alexander the coppersmith did him great harm, and he got one sentence. No epistle. No chapter.
When we keep retelling the story of the people who hurt us, we let them keep control over us. The quicker you move on, the sooner you get back to building. The best revenge is a life well lived, not tearing somebody else down. Jesus felt the betrayal, but he kept the right posture. That's the goal.
Wayne said something that stuck with me: "Our calendars are our best preachers." What you value, you make time for. If friendship isn't intentionally on your calendar, you don't value it as much as you think you do.
So here is a simple exercise. Write down the names in your Presence circle and your Pectoral circle. Then look at your calendar. Are those people in it? If not, put them in it this week.
And if you're coming up short on names, Wayne's advice is simple: make one new friend this year. Not a new best friend. Just a new friend. Most people want you to reach out more than you think. Don't answer for them.
Ministry was never meant to be done alone. If you want to gain momentum, grow your church, and go the distance in ministry, you're going to need people on the journey with you. Jesus did.
Wayne's book, Make Friends with Anyone: Practicing God's Design for Real Friendship in a Lonely World, releases September 22. It would make a great series for your church, young adults, or small groups. Grab your copy here. Wayne also built a free six-minute friendship assessment (linked in the episode show notes) so you can find out whether you're a sunbather, surfer, snorkeler, scuba diver, or submarine.
There's a lot more in the full conversation, including the five levels of friendship, the "vulnerability hangover," and how Wayne preaches to every kind of friend in the room. Watch it below, or listen on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, or YouTube.
This episode is brought to you by YourTeam.church, the assessment app that helps you place every volunteer where they thrive. Your church gets its own branded link, and your people are matched to a team based on their personality, with a look at what life is actually like on that team. Try the Pro tier free for 30 days.
Keep believing and leading strong,
Josh Roberie
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